The cobbler studied the sole and said, “Looks fine to me. What’s the problem – is it uncomfortable?”
“No, but it kelms every time I take a step,” I said.
A few weeks ago, I posted a focus about my hesitation towards the new giant fruit which has become so popular as of late. I did see the logic behind that fruit, though, and the possible good that could come from it. Furthermore, I know we live in a “super size” culture – one which emphasizes ever-larger meals, houses, cars.
But giant money? The other day I got change at the supermarket – two nickels and three pennies – and I strained my back carrying it out to the car. And yesterday, I parked my car in a metered spot and I had to ask someone to help me hoist the quarter into the meter!
Am I missing something here? What’s the benefit of these new “super-sized” quarters and nickels and dimes?
Google, a technology company, is reportedly working on a new, kool-mo-dee ice-cream sandwich. “This sandwich will be more technologically advanced than any ice cream sandwich the world has ever seen,” said Google’s CIC (Chief of Ice Cream), Alistair Klaus. “The sandwich cookies will be digital, first, so they will taste much better than traditional, analog cookies.
“And the ice cream itself?” said Klaus. “It’s going to detect the user’s favorite flavor, and then transform itself into that flavor. So when we say that this is the best ice cream sandwich you’ve ever had? We mean that literally.”
I can’t wait to unwrap Google’s ice cream sandwich and watch it sense my taste bud preferences and transform to ginger-flavored ice cream right before my eyes.
Google’s Android Operating System is more popular than ever, but the Androids themselves are proving to be socially-awkward; apparently they’re rude and careless, and they reportedly have no sense of spatial awareness. I’ve heard about packs of androids blocking traffic, overtaking restaurants, and even wandering onto the Wall Street trading floor two weeks ago. “All of a sudden I turned around and there they were – seven or eight of them, bumping into people or hopping in place,” said Wall Street broker Sandra O’Falcon. “They were totally distracting. I lost money because of those monstrosities.”
And the androids have absolutely no moral compass, said Xavier Francis, of Wilmington, North Carolina. “One stole my car,” said Francis. “Apparently they like convertibles. When the police found it? There was a giant hole in the windshield and the driver’s seat was completely crushed.”
No word yet on how Google plans to address this problem. More on this story as it develops.
Google has apparently paid a handsome sum of money to buy a great deal of American wind – wind which, according to reports, is based mostly on the farmlands of Oklahoma. The big question here is how Apple will respond. Some are speculating that they’ll invest in an equally-important element of the weather – a few hundred miles of clouds, a significant amount of rain, or even a small portion of the sun! More on this story as it develops.
Seats all over America are standing up in protest over a recent article in The New York Times which claims that a sedentary lifestyle is to blame for poor health. “That article gives sitting a bad name,” said a plush seat from Boston’s Symphony Hall known as Chair 144. As Chair of AASE – the American Association for Seat Equality, which was founded in 1932 – 144 knows a thing or two about seats’ rights. “Whether a person exercises or doesn’t exercise is up to them,” 144 said in a recent interview. “The members of the AASE work hard to ensure that people have seats which are functional, sturdy, comfortable and sightly. But we won’t sit by idly and be blamed for factors beyond our control, such as how long a person chooses to sit, or what they choose to eat, or their genetics. The seats are not the problem here!”
Haven’t tried a camera martini yet? I made this one with dry vermouth, a 14-megapixel digital camera, gin, olive brine, three olives and a lime rind. If you try it, make sure that that the camera is at least 10 megapixels – otherwise the drink will taste grainy or blurry. The higher the resolution, the crisper the taste.
Don’t like the taste of the camera? Try substituting a cell phone!