theboucher.com

Dear Hallway,
Do hallways suffer from depression?

Sincerely,
Voda Skafe
Winnipeg

Dear Voda,
Yes, they do.  Have you ever been walking along a hallway and noticed that the corridor is slightly lower than the adjacent spaces?  That’s a sign that the hallway is depressed.  Or, how about a hallway that realigns itself, perhaps more than once, as you’re walking through it?  That’s the hallway checking and rechecking, a hallway caught in the ritual of obsessive compulsive disorder.  I’ve known schizophrenic hallways, bipolar hallways, even hallways that have attempted suicide.  I, myself, have struggled with depression.

The good news, though, is that there is help out there; the Association of Hallway Mental Health Professionals does its best to advocate for health insurance for hallways so that those suffering mental anguish can find help through therapy and medication.  Do you know a hallway who could benefit from consulting with a mental health professional?  Have them contact the AHMHP, or have them write to me (c/o boucher@theboucher.com).

Now,
The Hallway

theboucher.com

Dear Hallway,
What is time?

Sincerely,
Greg Scaffolding
Pittsburgh

Dear Mr. Scaffolding,
It’s fortuitous, I think, that your last name happens to be Scaffolding.  I’ve only known one other Scaffolding in my life, a Tony Scaffold – he was an instructor at the Academy.  Do you have any relatives in Allentown?

I can still remember Scaffolding’s voice – he used to shout at us so hysterically that you thought he was going to pass out right there on the spot.  Once he asked me where I saw myself in ten years, and I told him that I wanted to be an advice columnist.  He slapped his knee, laughed out loud – literally guffawed – and said that it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard.

After I graduated, though, I saw him at a restaurant with his family and he was a totally different person – completely calm and relaxed.  I told him that I’d gotten a job – I was working in radio then – and he seemed genuinely pleased for me.

If you are related to Tony Scaffolding, please tell him to send me an email!

Everything,
Hallway

P.S.  Time is a room.

Dear Hallway,
The hallway in the building where I work is always sniffling and sneezing.  Is it possible for a hallway to get sick?

Thank you,
V. Ford
Tampa, FL

Dear V,
Hallways do get sick – you’ve heard of the Hallway Flu of ’72, no? – but if the sneezing and coughing started recently your hallway most likely has seasonal allergies.  Hallways are not allergic to walls or corners, but some are allergic to the chemicals in detergents and cleansers.  Also, it’s not uncommon for a hallway to react to certain kinds of footwear, such as sandals and open-toed shoes.  If your hallway is allergic to sandals, it’s possible that it started sniffling and sneezing with the arrival of footwear for warmer weather.

While a sniffling corridor is probably a little annoying, though, it’s much better than a hallway with a virus.  Corridors – or any structure with a virus, actually – can be very dangerous: they can change shape or even collapse.  But I think that’s a topic for a different day – one closer to flu season!

Happy Spring, V!

Suddenly,
Hallway

Have a question for a hallway? Send it to boucher@theboucher.com!